TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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