We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
