When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
