Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
