i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
