New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
