Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
