I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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