Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
