Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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