Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
