We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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