I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
