So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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