I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
