No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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