Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize