if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
