mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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