I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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