I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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