i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
