Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
