Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize