She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
