I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
