Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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