and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
