You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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