Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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