I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
