my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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