I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
