what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
