you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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