went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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