So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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