Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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