so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
