She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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