i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
