Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
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