Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
