she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
