i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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