She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
