New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
