ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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