i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
