the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
