omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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