the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm sobbing to NWA
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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