I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
